People may not always...

So I get my feeling hurt easily...really easily!  I am a bit... OK... ALOT on the paranoid side!!  Sometimes I assume people are angry at me & sometimes I assume they don't like me.  Yesterday was no exception to that.  

Good Things

When I look around at my life, the people in it, the things I do & feel, even my posessions...when I really STOP to take a look, I know it is full of GOOD GOOD things.  Why do we get so busy that we stop appreciating these good things.  I got 2 speeding tickets in the mail over the course of the last couple of weeks.  I wonder..."what was making me rush", "what was more important than me taking my time".  I guess the tickets were Gods way of reminding me to slow down.  For that, I am thankful.  Everyday I go rushing through my life.  Something always seems more important than sitting on the deck with my husband for a cup of coffee, watching a you tube video with my kids, or picking up the phone to listen to a friend.  I get wrapped up in this bubble which is only me & my own world.  It is lonely sometimes.  The problem with me is I don't know how to do moderation.  All or nothing.  So I shut down & close everyone out.  My reason right now is I am restoring... working on Brave Girls.  But what is my reason tomorrow or next week ...everyone has things they want to work on.  I want to stop, listen look, spend time, slow down & respect all of the blessings that my life.  My life is so full of good things.

I am closed for restoration...

"My heart is on fire....my soul is like a wheel that's burning..."  this song popped into my head.  I want to & am starting to feel this way right now where I am at.  I have alot of learning to do and a lot of things that just may need 'fixing' but there is never such a good time as now...right now to love me & respect me & get back to the me that I deserve to be.  

Comeback....

I can't sleep & my mind is swirling.  It is just a couple more sleeps til Kevin & I leave for Mexico.  I desperately need a vacation.  I am going to be brutally honest & say that my life needs the vacation!!  I am feeling so unorganized & so overwhelmed.  I am screwing up left, right & centre on a special project I have on the go... I am short tempered with my family, and I have no ambition. 
Tonight, as I sit here thinking.... I am increasingly annoyed at the fact that my husband is not home yet.  We have not seen one another since 7:30 this morning.  His last words to me were, "I am going to the hockey game with 'said' friend & after, I will come home & we can watch a movie together."  Not mad that he is out but angry at the lack of a phone call to let me know plans have changed.  After all, he would expect it from me.
That isn't it though.  I am annoyed at everything & myself.  I am hoping that this vacation brings a sense of renewal so that when I 'comeback', i can tackle everything with a new energy & organization.  If I give that much, I will  get it back  & I can be me again!! 

Feeling all Philisophycal...

I been reading some inspirational sites today & came across this picture of Angelina Jolie.  I love this woman.  I think she is beautiful, smart, & sexy as hell.  I had an interesting day yesterday... it inspired me & reminded me that people are cruel but it doesn't matter.  At the end of the day, it is how you deal with it.  Sometimes, I utter the word hate but I really don't hate anyone.  I pity them, I may dislike them but I will always be sad for them if they are hurt, or be happy for them if they succeed at something or get great news. 

I think everyone should follow the commandment to treat others how you would like to be treated.  I could be considered a bit of a hypocrite because I don't always do that but it is my intention.  Sometimes I just feel so conflicted because I have been taught that it is important to ask for what you want/need.  Being Blue (colors), I want everyone to be happy sometimes at my own expense.... shouldn't I be honest??  Gotta go...more on this later.

whats a matter you!!!

This kid looks like I feel!!  I am so crabby today I cannot even stand myself!!  So..it goes without saying that I should get my miserable ass to bed. 

Time...

Time...where does it really go.  I had all these plans today!  Plans to see friends, tidy my house, get groceries, bake, go to my appointments, finish the laundry & maybe make a few cards in my not so tidy scrap studio!!  Instead...I cleaned my fridge & pantry (because the kids didn't do it).  I shoveled off my fronts steps & scraped the ice (because my kids didn't do it).  Cleaned my truck inside (because my kids made a bloody mess)!  That is where my time goes!  My kids.  I love them but man tehy take some serious work!  They create serious work...they just are heavy duty work!!  So for tomorrow... I will be thankful that I can be there to clean up a mess that the children I have make.  I will be happy that my life is full because of my blessings (my babies)!!  Soon enough, they won't need me to clean up their messes because they will move on ...so not just for tomorrow but until such time... I will spend my TIME on them!!

On this day God wants you to know...

... that it is time to finally forgive yourself. You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You've kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we are talking about it.

 

This was a facebook message today & it came at an amazing time.  Thank you God for being there not only when I need you but all the time!!

A long time ago....

I wrote a story about 'spider woman'.  I have come across that girl in lots of different ways here & there since the time I wrote that first post.  I thought I hated her.  I thought I needed her to pay for the way she treated myself & my family but now I know that everyday, in some small way, she suffers at her own hand. 

How hard would it be to look in the mirror & actually hate yourself.  How hard would it be to know that even though you swore you made sense at the time, people are sitting in judgement of the mistakes you continue to make because you won't acknowledge or repair the damage you create or forgive a gesture you misunderstood & continue to make things worse for everyone around including yourself.

I am thankful to say that I have good wholesome, honest, well~meaning people in my life who know me & love me right where I am at because I am enough...I do enough...I am good enough.  I am so lucky that I can pick up a phone & call a friend & know they are my friend.  On the other hand, I am sad for spidey girl because she doesn't know what a true friend is or where to look for one or how to be one.    It must be a lonely place.

Some might ask why I give this so much effort & why after all this time I am still thinking about it... the answer is simple.  It hurts my heart to know that someone out there is cheating themself out of friendship.  I think I can be a pretty great friend & I was but it wasn't enough for her.  I have to come to grips with the simple fact that you aren't compatible with everyone & everyone can't like you but the ones that do should be cherished & respected & loved for all they are & all they do!

It is my sincere hope that some day this person heals in her heart enough to want to embrace the possibility of friendship.  True friends are real gems.