Under Construction...

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I will take some scrambled eggs instead of the scramble in my mind!!

Each day I want to wake up with the resolve that today is going to be a great day.  Better than yesterday.  I know life is good most days...most days I know that whatever comes my way I need to embrace it because it contains a gift or a lesson even though it may not look like it.  I make lists & plans & I have the best of intentions...I really do.  I go about my days without any cares but there are bad things that sometimes make their way into my day & weave their fingers around my heart...

Somedays are darker & more difficult.  I begin to wonder where my resolve goes & why happiness seems to escape me & for how long this time.  These are days when it feels hard to breath or take action because of  the weight of the anxiety & maybe other emotions that I do not always identify.  So my resolve is not within me & I greet the day with fear & sometimes loathing for what may be coming.

Right now, today, I feel blue & it isnt the spring time birds & sunshine blue.  Its dark & lonely & causes me to question my self worth... I am worried about the things I need to do, finding it hard to comitt to any of it.  Scared that I will make the wrong choices.  Those are the big things...& then I continue to pile many other little things on my plate leaving me juggling too many things at once & needing to be everywhere at the same time. 

These past few weeks have brought a heaviness I have never really known.  There was always so much to occupy my time & keep my mind busy.  These feelings are unfamiliar to me & it seems like I cannot find the tools to handle them. I think I have begun to question everything. Why why why??  Much of what happens in our life is out of our control...or is it?  I think every little choice I have made has directed me to right where I am.  I also believe that we have a set path for us...one that God has created.  There are decisions & actions that other people have taken that don't really know or understand me but it is me who has my life on hold right now. 

I am full of fear but it will pass & then I can move forward...but where is that.  My inner turmoil has a due date of  April 17th.  I need to make a choice as to how & what to do to move forward or do something different..  Should I pursue a career in nursing or something else?  Should I go back to school at my age?  Others have done it & they were/are older than me but is it what I really want?  Sometimes it seems like the list I have going is enough for me to handle & it is so daunting that I don't always know where to start ...SO then I don't. I just pick up my computer or turn on the tv because I know it will be there waiting at such time I am pushed to the deadline...   well, today & tomorrow is all have left & then a decision will be forced on me by a deadline.  Will I will have wasted my time jumping into something without enough thought or preparation or will I pursue it & see what happens. What is the worst that can happen??!

I want a life full of passion & purpose.I want to do the things that make my heart sing.  I want to be the best kind of me possible.  Those are the only things I know for sure. 

 A family member once told me when I was just 11 years old that if I ever have doubts about something, then it is likely not for me.  At that time they were helping me work through a purchase I thought I wanted to make but the statement stuck with me & it has followed me for my life so far.  Can I apply it to this part of my life??  I suppose I could go to my happy place today & make some more lists & consider all my options. 

This guy...

...is leaving us very soon.  In about 4 months to be exact.  He is going to Taiwan on a Rotary Exchange for almost a year.  He will spend his grade 12 year going to school from 7am to 5pm, living with 3 or 4 families and taking in the cultures & customs of a whole new country.  I cant help but feel pride for his bravery.  He has been immmersing himself in the language using Rosetta Stone.  He is reaching out to & connecting with other students who have traveled as he will to different countries.  Why is he doing this.  First, it is an opportunity that comes around once in a lifetime.  When else could you travel & stay with locals & live as they do & bridge gaps & build understanding of one anothers cultural differences as he can at this age.  Second, this will look amazing on a resume for future employment, education & other unsaid opportunities.  Third and maybe most important, CHANGE!  This guy has seen much change in his 16 years.  He has overcome obstacles that have weakened lesser men.  He has been brave in the face of adversity, challenged people to see & accept him or respect him at the very least.  He has held his head high when NO ONE would give him a chance, or believe in him.  His words to me not so long ago were something like this..."In a world where people make mistakes every day, mine have piled up & seem unforgivable.  I want what everyone else has and that is respect.  Granted I have brought many peoples opinions of me on all by myself but I have changed & I just need someone to believe in me.  I want more out of life than I was asking for before...  This guy is 16, as I mentioned.

What insight, but as I said, he has had to walk over coals to get to here & he deserves this opportunity.  He deserves a shot at the greatness he is inspired by & he plans to take that for himself.  Maybe he cannot articulate it right now but he is taking care of his heart in a way that many young people dont understand right now. He is ok with not doing things that will make him popular any longer but in doing what is right & necessary.  One of his previous teachers & a family friend attested to this guys character.  He said that this guy is a champion at life.  He said that this guy knows how to rise above & has a penchant for the finer things in life.  This guy is my 16 year old son who I admire so much.

When I was 16, the things that were important were having a car, having lots of friends, parties & fun.  When I was 16, I didnt read the news, nor did I care.  I am acutley aware that at 16, this guy has more on the go than I ever could have imagined possible and so I support & love him for every valiant effort to seek out the good things & make them his.

This is the Shifen Waterfall found in Taiwan.

He will see beauty that most can only view pictures of.  He will broaden his horizons & open new doors.  He will grow & change.  He will leave a 16 year old boy who plays video games & loves pop & south park & come home a man with some knowledge of the world.  I hope & pray every day for strength to accept this growth & courage to not miss him so much & understand the changes he will undergo.

He said to me that it bothers him that at his school, they will put athletes on the wall.  They will have praise for the mechanics or beauty program but they dont put an exhcange students endeavors in the lime light.  This is a huge thing he is doing.  A really BIG thing.  How many kids his age could leave the comforts of home & the safety & seurity of their parents to go out on their own like this.  To give up graduating on time & make sure to attend all of the grad parties & events that are sure to ensue.  How many kids could leave behind their motorbike that they covet or the chance at a reationship or a whole year of driving their own vehicle.  Not that many by my count. 

But this guy can & he will & I believe in him.  This guy is my 16 year old son Jordan

Where is my...

Ok...it has been what feels like a lifetime since i logged on to write anything for you me or ANYONE.  I am in a warp, a rut, some kind of pergatory & when I write my feelings down, sometimes sweet clarity follows.  I have to start working...HARD...on me.  I have let too many things pass me by.  Do you know that I believe that we can over indluge ourselves in personal betterment...we can bind ourselves to looking for the true meaning of something instead of just living & being & enjoying??  I think I might be doing that.  I tend to overthink things alot.  But you know what...I have to stop that.  I have to think of the things that matter...count my blessings & then count them again.  There is a post going around on facebook right now.  It caused me to stop & consider it in all of its brilliance...its goes something like this;  What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked GOD for yesterday?  Ya...what if??  Could I say that I spend my days being thankful for my husband, my kids, my home, my life, and everything in it??  Being happy with what you have has got to be such a peaceful feeling. 

So does it matter if I am 40 lbs overweight?  Does it matter if Kevin & I dont agree on how to parent all the time?  Does it matter when the kids dont clean their rooms, respect the rules or do a chore I asked.  I guess not in the grand scheme of things.  And so, in the grand scheme of things I am EVER greatful for all of my blessings but in those moments when someone leaves their plates in the basement & then is asked to put them where they belong & they turn up on the counter instead of in the dishwasher or the dogs did not get fed or the laundry switched over, I feel mad, frustrated disrespected...and worse...unappreciated.

I am busy making excuses instead of making progress.  I also think a slight bit of depression has set in. Kinda feel like every time I make a choice it tends to be the wrong one.  Look at my jobs & education...check out my friendships, or the way I may have handled something.  I even second guess my decor, my clothes, my hair,  my style, my artwork...ME!  WOW.  When I write it down, I realize that the ONLY thing I need to do is take a deep breathe & TRUST.  Thankfully I have found many amazing things along the way to guide me including this incredible post by Brave Girls.

And here is another thing to ponder...why do I always seem to think I know what is good for others.  When people talk about a situation...I have words or ideas for them that they seem to appreciate.  They say is helpful.  Where is that wisdom for me.  Why am I so judgemental of my own heart & mind??

It isnt what happens to you in life...its how you handle it. All the pretty words & quotes wont make anything better unless they are put into action.  So Dear Sherri, you & your truthteller need to go to a place of peace & decide what you really want & need and then come up with a plan to not only keep being you but enjoy it & love it & LIVE LIFE FULLY the way it was intended for us to do!!

People may not always...

So I get my feeling hurt easily...really easily!  I am a bit... OK... ALOT on the paranoid side!!  Sometimes I assume people are angry at me & sometimes I assume they don't like me.  Yesterday was no exception to that.  

Good Things

When I look around at my life, the people in it, the things I do & feel, even my posessions...when I really STOP to take a look, I know it is full of GOOD GOOD things.  Why do we get so busy that we stop appreciating these good things.  I got 2 speeding tickets in the mail over the course of the last couple of weeks.  I wonder..."what was making me rush", "what was more important than me taking my time".  I guess the tickets were Gods way of reminding me to slow down.  For that, I am thankful.  Everyday I go rushing through my life.  Something always seems more important than sitting on the deck with my husband for a cup of coffee, watching a you tube video with my kids, or picking up the phone to listen to a friend.  I get wrapped up in this bubble which is only me & my own world.  It is lonely sometimes.  The problem with me is I don't know how to do moderation.  All or nothing.  So I shut down & close everyone out.  My reason right now is I am restoring... working on Brave Girls.  But what is my reason tomorrow or next week ...everyone has things they want to work on.  I want to stop, listen look, spend time, slow down & respect all of the blessings that my life.  My life is so full of good things.

I am closed for restoration...

"My heart is on fire....my soul is like a wheel that's burning..."  this song popped into my head.  I want to & am starting to feel this way right now where I am at.  I have alot of learning to do and a lot of things that just may need 'fixing' but there is never such a good time as now...right now to love me & respect me & get back to the me that I deserve to be.