Sunday, April 15, 2012

I will take some scrambled eggs instead of the scramble in my mind!!

Each day I want to wake up with the resolve that today is going to be a great day.  Better than yesterday.  I know life is good most days...most days I know that whatever comes my way I need to embrace it because it contains a gift or a lesson even though it may not look like it.  I make lists & plans & I have the best of intentions...I really do.  I go about my days without any cares but there are bad things that sometimes make their way into my day & weave their fingers around my heart...

Somedays are darker & more difficult.  I begin to wonder where my resolve goes & why happiness seems to escape me & for how long this time.  These are days when it feels hard to breath or take action because of  the weight of the anxiety & maybe other emotions that I do not always identify.  So my resolve is not within me & I greet the day with fear & sometimes loathing for what may be coming.

Right now, today, I feel blue & it isnt the spring time birds & sunshine blue.  Its dark & lonely & causes me to question my self worth... I am worried about the things I need to do, finding it hard to comitt to any of it.  Scared that I will make the wrong choices.  Those are the big things...& then I continue to pile many other little things on my plate leaving me juggling too many things at once & needing to be everywhere at the same time. 

These past few weeks have brought a heaviness I have never really known.  There was always so much to occupy my time & keep my mind busy.  These feelings are unfamiliar to me & it seems like I cannot find the tools to handle them. I think I have begun to question everything. Why why why??  Much of what happens in our life is out of our control...or is it?  I think every little choice I have made has directed me to right where I am.  I also believe that we have a set path for that God has created.  There are decisions & actions that other people have taken that don't really know or understand me but it is me who has my life on hold right now. 
I am full of fear but it will pass & then I can move forward...but where is that.  My inner turmoil has a due date of  April 17th.  I need to make a choice as to how & what to do to move forward or do something different..  Should I pursue a career in nursing or something else?  Should I go back to school at my age?  Others have done it & they were/are older than me but is it what I really want?  Sometimes it seems like the list I have going is enough for me to handle & it is so daunting that I don't always know where to start ...SO then I don't. I just pick up my computer or turn on the tv because I know it will be there waiting at such time I am pushed to the deadline...   well, today & tomorrow is all have left & then a decision will be forced on me by a deadline.  Will I will have wasted my time jumping into something without enough thought or preparation or will I pursue it & see what happens. What is the worst that can happen??!

I want a life full of passion & purpose.I want to do the things that make my heart sing.  I want to be the best kind of me possible.  Those are the only things I know for sure. 

 A family member once told me when I was just 11 years old that if I ever have doubts about something, then it is likely not for me.  At that time they were helping me work through a purchase I thought I wanted to make but the statement stuck with me & it has followed me for my life so far.  Can I apply it to this part of my life??  I suppose I could go to my happy place today & make some more lists & consider all my options. 

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