Somedays are darker & more difficult. I begin to wonder where my resolve goes & why happiness seems to escape me & for how long this time. These are days when it feels hard to breath or take action because of the weight of the anxiety & maybe other emotions that I do not always identify. So my resolve is not within me & I greet the day with fear & sometimes loathing for what may be coming.
Right now, today, I feel blue & it isnt the spring time birds & sunshine blue. Its dark & lonely & causes me to question my self worth... I am worried about the things I need to do, finding it hard to comitt to any of it. Scared that I will make the wrong choices. Those are the big things...& then I continue to pile many other little things on my plate leaving me juggling too many things at once & needing to be everywhere at the same time.
These past few weeks have brought a heaviness I have never really known. There was always so much to occupy my time & keep my mind busy. These feelings are unfamiliar to me & it seems like I cannot find the tools to handle them. I think I have begun to question everything. Why why why?? Much of what happens in our life is out of our control...or is it? I think every little choice I have made has directed me to right where I am. I also believe that we have a set path for us...one that God has created. There are decisions & actions that other people have taken that don't really know or understand me but it is me who has my life on hold right now.
I am full of fear but it will pass & then I can move forward...but where is that. My inner turmoil has a due date of April 17th. I need to make a choice as to how & what to do to move forward or do something different.. Should I pursue a career in nursing or something else? Should I go back to school at my age? Others have done it & they were/are older than me but is it what I really want? Sometimes it seems like the list I have going is enough for me to handle & it is so daunting that I don't always know where to start ...SO then I don't. I just pick up my computer or turn on the tv because I know it will be there waiting at such time I am pushed to the deadline... well, today & tomorrow is all have left & then a decision will be forced on me by a deadline. Will I will have wasted my time jumping into something without enough thought or preparation or will I pursue it & see what happens. What is the worst that can happen??!
I want a life full of passion & purpose.I want to do the things that make my heart sing. I want to be the best kind of me possible. Those are the only things I know for sure.
A family member once told me when I was just 11 years old that if I ever have doubts about something, then it is likely not for me. At that time they were helping me work through a purchase I thought I wanted to make but the statement stuck with me & it has followed me for my life so far. Can I apply it to this part of my life?? I suppose I could go to my happy place today & make some more lists & consider all my options.
I want a life full of passion & purpose.I want to do the things that make my heart sing. I want to be the best kind of me possible. Those are the only things I know for sure.
A family member once told me when I was just 11 years old that if I ever have doubts about something, then it is likely not for me. At that time they were helping me work through a purchase I thought I wanted to make but the statement stuck with me & it has followed me for my life so far. Can I apply it to this part of my life?? I suppose I could go to my happy place today & make some more lists & consider all my options.
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